March 2146

1 March 2146
ANCHOR: Today, Israel's Premier Yakov Kanter convened the special invitation-only Shah-Ar conference. And Kanter opened the three-day event with a bombshell.

KANTER: First, let me thank all the scientists and Combine delegates for coming. I know that the anticipation of Israel having created a Faster-Than-Light travel device is great indeed. And in the next three days we will reveal what we have learned so far. But you should all know this from the start. We will not be discussing some 'travel' device or engine. The Shah-Ar Project is, rest assured, even more wondrous than that.

ANCHOR: Dr. Rylo, one of the invited guests, had this to say.

RYLO: This seminar has only started... but I have the feeling that what Israel is working on may change the world... forever.

4 March 2146
ANCHOR: If Israel's breakthrough Shah-Ar Project isn't some kind of 'star drive', then what is it? And does it have any practical application? Answers to some of these questions began emerging over the weekend at the special conference presided over by Israel Premier Yakov Kanter who agreed to speak to FTL.

KANTER: We have given our invited guests all the data we have on our incredible discovery.

ANCHOR: Premier Kanter, can you tell us just what it is that Israel has found?

KANTER: We have discovered a previously unknown dimension of space and time, a completely different realm of physical 'reality'.

ANCHOR: And travel to the stars might be possible using this dimension?

KANTER: Theoretically... except so far there's no way yet to recover an object sent out there. (grins) So people shouldn't start booking flights to Alpha Centauri just yet.

5 March 2146
ANCHOR: The secret behind the success of Jones & Fletcher's Meat Pies has been cracked... by none other than budding geneticist, Keva Handly.

HANDLY: Well, you won't catch me eating any of those nasty pies. I used my Little Geneticist Kit and found out what's in 'em that everyone loves...

ANCHOR: And what is that, Keva?

HANDLY: Sorry to deliver the bad news, but these yucky pies contain human DNA. I'm afraid the world has gone crazy for 'people pies'. None for me, thanks.

ANCHOR: And the Kevorkian Medical Center today released the first foetal photo of little Ti'm... Doctors say that the baby appears to be developing normally... for an alien.

6 March 2146
ANCHOR: Keva Handly's discovery that the secret ingredient in Jones & Fletcher's pies is human DNA has shocked the world. But the proprietors of Jones & Fletcher's Meat Pies were quick to defend their product.

JONES: 'Ere, wot's this? A li'l girl plays with some bloody test tubes and says we're makin' "people pies"? Cor!

FLETCHER (giggling and nudging): You mean she thinks there's a shepherd in our shepherd's pie?

JONES (grins): Absolute rubbish, in'it? A bloody ruse from them TFP folks to find out what makes our pies so good.

FLETCHER: They're just jealous 'cause they don't know 'ow to give their pies our personal touch. (both crack up laughing)

7 March 2146
ANCHOR: Benjamin Droid, FTL commentator and President of FLAKE, has his own slant on the exploding Meat Pie Scandal.

DROID: Oh, no-one knew what made the pies taste so good, right? Wrong. I did. It's just like that flat screen flick Soylent Green, you know where Charlton Heston discovers that these wafers that everyone absolutely loves are made out of – you guessed it – Uncle Harry and Aunt Mabel! I for one wasn't surprised at all... but then that's why I'm president of FLAKE.

ANCHOR: Meanwhile, DNA Wonders has examined sample pies and confirms the presence of human DNA. But here's a mystery. The DNA doesn't match up with any DNA on file with the Worldwide Human Genome Center. So where did it come from? And no one has yet claimed CommLink's prize for solving the Europa Puzzle, a puzzle that continues to baffle the world's best minds.

8 March 2146
ANCHOR: Clones can be useful for lots of things, but now Eugene Splice of CloneStyles has come up with a new concept.

SPLICE: Yes, we call our new service CloneClowns. We have exhumed small samples of great comedians from the past 250 years, from Fatty Arbuckle and Groucho to Phil Gass. Now you can have one of these comedians as your own best friend. Just imagine... they'll keep you in stitches 24 hours a day!

ANCHOR: We visited one the first CloneClown customers with his new purchase.

GILBERT (in rapid patter): You know what I hate – you can't even trust the food today... if it isn't some grey goopy fungus, it's bits of people nobody ever heard of. Oh well, I guess some people got good taste, and others just taste good!

CUSTOMER (laughing): Stop, you're too funny.

GILBERT: And what's it with those underwater guys. They wanna be a new combine? Tell ya – something's fishy there... (More laughter while anchor rolls his eyes.)

11 March 2146
ANCHOR: President Clarke is just back from her official visit to the new Combine, Oceanus. We are standing by for a Virtual Press Conference.

CLARKE: I had long and detailed discussions with Jefferson Kirwan, and he has convinced me that his people have their own identity, their own special aspirations. Their Declaration of Underwater Independence is a heartfelt document that we, especially in the NAU, cannot ignore. I have therefore today officially signed an order recognizing the new underwater combine of Oceanus.

ANCHOR: President Clarke, were any economic deals made with the new Combine in exchange for this recognition?

CLARKE: No. But Jefferson Kirwan has offered to help explore the mysteries of Europa... a sea world.

12 March 2146
ANCHOR: CloneStyles thought it had a sure thing with its introduction of CloneClowns. But one of its first customers thinks he got a lemon.

CUSTOMER: Won't someone please–

GILBERT: What is it with Virtual Reality? I mean, I can see why you'd like it – look at your real face!

CUSTOMER: Turn him off. He's an embarrassment. I can't go anywhere.

GILBERT: Hey, and what about those BioMerge nudniks? I have trouble going to the barber and they stick discs in their heads! And speaking of barbers, who does your hair?

CUSTOMER: Please, someone – can't I get a refund?

SPLICE: Sorry... we only accept returns in the case of a malfunction... and that CloneClown is working just fine.

13 March 2146
ANCHOR: Apparently business at Jones & Fletcher's hasn't been hurt by the discovery of human DNA in their pies.

JONES: 'Urt? Not bloody likely.

FLETCHER (grinning): We're turnin' 'em out as fast as 'umanly possible. (Laughs and nudges Jones) Ain't we, luv?

JONES: Right. Matter o' fact, some bloke jus' up an' bought our entire week's run. Cornerin' the market, you might say.

ANCHOR: Who was that?

FLETCHER: Wouldn't say... didn't want to see his name on A Current Byte, is my guess. But we 'ear 'e's auctioning off the entire lot this Friday.

ANCHOR: We can hardly wait... Elsewhere in the world, despite the NAU's recognition of Oceanus, no other combine has followed President Clarke's lead.

14 March 2146
ANCHOR: First the symbol was discovered in the Icebreaker, and on the palms of Dr. Elaina Koblatz. Then the same strange icon began appearing on the VR Net with a strange and undecipherable word: Tau-plamt! And now it appears there is a cult. Hordes of young people calling themselves "Taus" have started wearing arm bands adorned with the symbol. Why are they wearing it? FTL has located one of the Tau cultists, Jack Ritula. Jack, can you tell us what that arm band means?

JACK: No, talking head man, I can't. No one can. Because we're still waiting, you see? We're waiting for the One. (turns away in disgust)

ANCHOR: Which is exactly what the so-called Noomans say they are doing: "Waiting for the One." Yet the Noomans have been seen clearing away the Tau netphiti as soon as it appears. Why?

15 March 2146
ANCHOR: An entire week's run of Jones & Fletcher's Meat pies went on the block today at Sotheby's virtual auction house. One small batch of what was billed as "Shepherd's Pie" sold for an incredible 5,000 credits. And guess who was behind the auction of the year?

CORLEONE: Did you see the bidding on those pies? Madrone, you'd think there were gold bricks hidden in each one... instead of potatoes and a bit of (grins) who knows who?

ANCHOR: Mr. Corleone, why did you keep your involvement in the auction a secret?

CORLEONE: You gotta be kidding! Soon as my name gets mentioned, somebody suspects a swindle. Though – truth is – I'm the most honest businessman in the 22nd Century!

ANCHOR: One scheme Mr. Corleone has yet to come up with is a way to solve the Europa puzzle... and win the prize offered by CommLink.

18 March 2146
ANCHOR: Dr. Kristeen Ballard has encouraging news about the Habitat Mars terraforming project. Dr. Ballad, there's been a breakthrough?

BALLARD: Yes... we've actually known the good news for a few days now but I wanted my team to check atmosphere levels to make sure that we weren't getting erratic readings... But based on what we've seen I can say that the Martian atmosphere has made a quantum jump in density, probably spurred by the recent volcanic activity. Though we're still far away from breathable air, this puts us way ahead of schedule.

ANCHOR: And the Academy of Holographic Arts and Science announced the nominees today for next month's awards. No surprise that the two top contenders for best HoloVid are the terrifying The 409th Guest, and the nostalgic look back at the 2150's, Hey, Is It Me or Is The Planet Getting Warm?

19 March 2146
ANCHOR: Keva Handly broke the story that Jones & Fletcher's meat pies contained human DNA. But it turned out to be untraceable DNA... so where did it come from? Now we may have the answer. A herd of shmoos, thought to be extinct, was discovered on a farm belonging to Mr. Jones and Ms. Fletcher. Shmoos were a man-made species genetically bred to be donor animals for human organs. When genetic science progressed to the point where new organs could be cloned, shmoos were no longer needed. The funny-looking creatures were named after a creation of 20th Century cartoonist Al Capp. They were thought to be extinct, yet here they are. Authorities are searching for Jones and Fletcher to ask them about their secret farm.

20 March 2146
ANCHOR: To combat the controversy over their meat pies, Jones and Fletcher have placed this ad on the VR net:

JONES: They want us to explain, they bloody well insist.

FLETCHER: I say tell 'em not to get their knickers in a twist.

JONES: We found a bunch of shmoos, without us they'd have died.

FLETCHER: We brought 'em 'ome and fed 'em, and 'ow they multiplied.

JONES: Soon we 'ad too many, and feared they'd go to waste.

FLETCHER: That was when me 'usband learned 'ow good a shmoo can taste.

JONES: Mind you, blokes, now don't forget, it's shmoos we're talkin' 'ere.

FLETCHER: Human DNA's inside, but that's nothin' to fear.

JONES: They're dopey li'l thingies, created just to die.

FLETCHER: You don't need 'em for transplants, so put 'em in a pie.

BOTH: Jones & Fletcher's Pies! Jones & Fletcher's Pies! Jones & Fletcher's Piiiiiiiiies!

21 March 2146
ANCHOR: Marcia Kent's Net Police have raided the VR Net. In a massive, well-planned operation, Kent's NetPolice, posing as Diskheads, infiltrated regions of the net searching for enemies of the NAU. Whole areas of the VR Net were shut down while Virtual Alter Egos were rounded up, traced back to their real-life user, and identified. The raid targeted areas suspected of hiding followers of Cameron Grant's Earth First Brigade. Elsewhere, a movement has sprung up overnight to spare the recently discovered herd of shmoos, thought to be extinct. "Save the Shmoos!" netphiti is appearing everywhere, coupled with holos of the shmoos making sad eyes at their potential executioners. No word yet on a possible reprieve for the creatures.

22 March 2146
ANCHOR: Last night's raid by the Net Police was extremely successful, according to Attorney General Marcia Kent.

KENT: We've been planning this action for months now. Some of our agents have been on the VR net so long they forgot what they were there for.

ANCHOR: Ms. Kent, what were your targets?

KENT: Any virtual rooms or netcities suspected of harbouring enemies of the NAU... especially followers of Cameron Grant and Prin Toller. I won't allow another attack on our president's life.

ANCHOR: But other combines were quick to respond with strong reservations. Here's EC and World Congress Head Georges Favreau.

FAVREAU: What about due process, what about the right to privacy? Innocent citizens were also rounded up when the Net Police raided. It seems more like thuggery than police work.

25 March 2146
ANCHOR: This symbol, discovered on the icy moon of Europa, has become a familiar sight through all the combines. Groups from all around the world rally under its bizarre banner and repeat the so-far inexplicable chant of "Tau-Plamt".

SHEENA: Beware the symbol from the frozen moon. Beware those who wear it and blindly repeat the words, "Tau-Plamt". The symbol means destruction... and it may already be too late.

26 March 2146
ANCHOR: Is the growing Tau cult something to be feared? FTL interviewed this Tauist to get some answers.

TWEN: The Tau-Plamt movement is one of peace... we're waiting for Elaina and her message from another world. Tau-Plamt is about change, it's about humankind entering into a new level of existence! It's a beautiful thing!

ANCHOR: Meanwhile, little T'im, the son of M'ti, appears to be developing normally. Dr. Rod Hamm gave FTL this report.

HAMM: T'im's fetal development is right on schedule and everything appears normal.

ANCHOR: Dr. Hamm, there are no discrepancies between T'im and a normal foetus?

HAMM (hesitating): Er, just this one... the foetus' eyes seem sightly enlarged. We don't know what it means, but we are monitoring T'im's development very carefully.

28 March 2146
ANCHOR: Dr. Rod Hamm's comments about T'im's development have aroused alarm in the millions who are closely watching this extraordinary pregnancy. Today, Dr. Hamm attempted to put viewers at ease.

HAMM: I didn't mean to alarm the world. T'im looks like a perfectly healthy foetus. His pulse and all vital signs seem absolutely normal. There's nothing to worry about.

ANCHOR: But you mentioned the eyes...

HAMM: In utero holoscans show T'im's eyes to be somewhat enlarged and dark. It's a slight abnormality... but it doesn't appear life threatening.

ANCHOR: M'ti's widow doesn't seem to share Dr. Hamm's confidence.

BIMBETTA: You don't think he'll be blind do you? He'll be all right, won't he?

ANCHOR: An anxious world can only share Ms. Mondaine's fears.

29 March 2146
ANCHOR: On the heels of yesterday's disturbing news about little T'im, Perry Epp has announced the first endorsement deal for Bimbetta and her unborn child.

EPP: I'm happy to say that we've sifted through the hundreds of proposals and have selected the first product to be endorsed by Bimbetta and little T'im... once he's born. Little T'im will be the national spokesbaby for this, the Everfresh Diaper... it's the first diaper to stay clean all the time.

ANCHOR (a bit wary): And how does that work, Perry?

EPP: Its amazing harmless enzymes within the padded lining turn any, er, deposits, immediately into this soft, fine talc that soothes and coats the baby's bottom. It's what little T'im will wear just as soon as he's born.

ANCHOR: Thanks for sharing that, Perry.